I am coming out of the fog. An internal fog that for some time now has plagued me and left my spirit feeling untended, alone and blank. How can I attempt to describe what that time was like when the blankness of it all leaves me as that of a child without language? It is a feeling which one has to experience for oneself, only I hope you never have to. This post is supposed to be about my mindset and how I have decided it’s time to break it.
I grew up thinking that success looked exactly like how my parents have lived their lives. (It should be noted that my parents didn’t teach me this, it’s just how my child brain interpreted what I saw and heard. My parents are some of the most God-fearing, wise, compassionate people I’ve ever met.) I thought that if I didn’t graduate in less than four years, debt free and if I didn’t retire from whatever freakishly successful job I had by 32 and if I didn’t have a worldwide impact for Christ then not only did I slack off and not work hard enough, but I also gave up on God and didn’t give Him my best. I know, it’s an insane and unfair way to think, but that’s how I thought. I had a fear of being stuck in life, unable to live a life of “freedom”. It turns out that my view of freedom is a little bit skewed. Yes, I think that money does provide some amount of freedom and I have been shown again and again how the Lord blesses people financially in order for them to turn around and impact the world for Christ in incredible ways. That doesn’t mean it’s the only way to serve Christ and it doesn’t mean it’s the way for me.
So He had to do some breaking down and some building up. I quickly realized that this struggle I’ve been experiencing since a young woman is really a struggle between my head and my heart. My head says that if I don’t do life this way (the same route as my parents) then I won’t be able to really serve Christ. My heart says that I was created to serve Christ in a different way and that it’s okay. Now I just have to make my head and my heart compromise.
Here’s a little back-story for those of you who don’t know me all so well. All my life I have been working to get ahead of the curve. In high school I worked to earn as much money as I could so that I could get through college debt free. In college I worked to do that too. All my efforts were put into studies to make the best grades possible and be involved deeply with extra-curricular activities so that my resume would look attractive to people. I’ve travelled to gain experience, joined committees, completed internships, and said yes to anything and everything people asked me to do or be apart of. I pushed to be the leader for whatever I was apart of, thinking that if I wasn’t at the top being the best leader possible to everyone always, then I was failing. There have been some good things that have come out of that. I am going to graduate debt free, I have the courage to live in other countries and I understand other cultures better because of my opportunities to travel, I have gained valuable experience as a leader and been pushed to be a better version of myself.
The only problem is that I’m not actually being true to who I am.
When I was younger, we would get out of church after a service about selling what you have and giving it all away or about taking care of orphans and widows or any number of verses like those and we would talk about it on the way home. I remember frequently getting furious and crying because I felt like we weren’t living how Jesus wanted us too. Granted at this time I didn’t understand what my dad does or how Jesus calls us all to different platforms for His glory. So we would drive off in our Mercedes to go get lunch and my heart would be breaking. In my mind, when Jesus said He was enough and that He would provide, that meant that I needed to go home, pack up my bed, toys and lunch box and walk it down the street to give it to someone who really needed it. I have always been a little extreme and when it comes to believing that if I were to sell all I have and give it away, that Jesus really would provide what I need, I truly believe that.
And there you find the struggle.
Am I supposed to be a successful PR practitioner who gives to charity and uses her business platform for Christ? Am I supposed to be a missionary living off the grace of others in some dirty city in China? Am I supposed to be a stay at home mom living in a suburb outside Denver who supports her husbands’ ministry? Am I supposed to use my love of photography to capture stories around the world that inspire others to follow Christ’s calling on their lives?
How do I know where I’m supposed to be in all of this fog? How do I know what is right? How do I convince my head that a life without sufficient funds is just as good as a life of luxury? How do I persuade myself that I don’t have to be the one person who changes the world but that I can in-fact be the behind the scenes person who helps others fulfill their purposes? Is being a stay at home mom a copout? Is having financial freedom to allow my husband to run a ministry in Chicago just as good as adopting 100 orphans in Kenya and being poor?
Can anyone tell me what is the best option for serving Christ the best?
…
Are these the question I should be asking? They’re the ones I have been asking for the past two years. This endless stream of questions, debating about how I’m supposed to serve the Lord best. The crazy idea that if I don’t choose the correct future then I will have completely failed the Lord.
Do I follow my head or my heart?
Want to know something cool?! Christ has given me the freedom to follow my heart. He just asks that I take my head along with me. He has shown me that I can find great joy in having nothing but Him and living a simplistic life. He has shown me that I can find great joy in having a lot of money to be able to bless others with it. He has shown me that I do not and will not know the future but that I only have to take a step towards what I really enjoy doing and He will be right there beside me.
So the fog is lifting. I have stopped trying to prepare for the next season and I’m allowing Jesus to just float me down the river. I’m not going to swim with all my might towards one bank when I feel called to the other. I have put aside positions of leadership because I was wrapped up in them mostly because of pride issues. I wanted to be the one person that the organization couldn’t function without. That is completely opposite from who Christ is, so I figured it was a great place to start with getting rid of things. I have made my schedule so that I have time to really be with the Lord. I have decided that I don’t want to be in the corporate world. I have decided that I would love to spend part of my life being a stay at home mom (if He allows that). I have decided that I don’t need a plan. I have been blessed with an open heart. I find joy in many walks of life and I will let Him use that for His glory!
So may the wind blow and may it carry me wherever the heart of God is. Whatever my earthly situation looks like, I find my joy in Christ. He has shown me that He can use me wherever I am, now I must learn to have my life be about His glory. Not mine.
Footsteps of Tender Feet 