I haven’t been silent for a literal century, but eight months of writing nothing has left me with what feels like a lifetime of feelings, thoughts, revelations and confessions in which I feel compelled to share. If I’m to be truly honest, I think one reason I haven’t written is because I’m afraid of verbalizing what I’ve discovered. As if the pain, confusion and loneliness will become even harder if I burden others with it. I am slowly learning that this thought process has the acute ability to poison the rest of my thinking and how I live my every-day life. I have discovered that its time for me to change, once again.
To keep you all from going crazy, I am going to split up what I’ve been learning over a few separate blogs that I will be posting over the next few weeks. This month of August will be a catch-up month for me. One in which I relay the events of the past eight months to you. I can guarantee that it won’t be easy, as I didn’t record a lot of details in my journal because of my fear of facing what I was going through. So I’m guessing things may get a little messy. However, I am going to be as concise and organized as is humanly possible and just leave whatever comes from it in the capable hands of Jesus!
To start off this month, I am going to use this post to tell you about where I am currently. Nothing too deep or thoughtful will come in these following words, simply what I am doing, where I am and what the immediate future looks like.
So lets begin!
I spent this summer doing one session of summer school, which was a lot harder than I expected. The amount of work I had to cram into five weeks was quite intense but I really enjoyed every moment of it. The class, Crisis Communication, was interesting, relatable and just exciting enough to have me sitting on the edge of my chair. One thing I know about myself is that when I am really interested in something, my fear of saying the wrong thing is non-existent. In my desire to understand it completely I say everything related to the subject that comes to mind. In my desire to correct my ways of thinking that aren’t honest I question my teachers reasoning and require that they explain further than the expected textbook answer. My desire is to push beyond the boundaries of the usually simplistic conversations one experiences in a classroom full of lackadaisical students trying simply to pass the time, and create something new; to take something completely unknown and become its master. This character trait will show up later but for now to simply know of it is enough.
Along with my summer course I took on an internship with the Solar Decathlon Europe team through Appalachian State University. Being one of two American teams invited to the European tournament in France next summer, our mission is to build sustainable housing in the French living style of row houses. We are designing and constructing a usable house completely run by solar power and in May 2014 the group will be taking the house to France to participate in a 10-challenge competition. My job was to run the social media, act as the resident photographer and help with fund raising. The best part of it all? I completely loved what I was doing. I loved the work because I was able to create and develop strategies and ways to get our name out there. I loved the people I worked with and their quirky ways. I loved the atmosphere and the way people were alight with some inner passion for their work. We were all pioneers, all leaving what we knew behind in order to follow the desires of our hearts. We allowed ourselves to dream and we dreamed big! I was challenged every day to be a quicker thinker, deeper dreamer and a stronger leader. I was constantly being handed things I had never even seen before with a note of “have this to me by four” written on top. Where panic used to take over I learned how to compartmentalize things and work around the obstacles in my path. I took authority for ideas and decisions and while I messed up sometimes, the greatest moments were the ones when my boss and I would debrief. I would stand in his office reading off a list of updates on projects along with new projects I had organized myself, updating him on email communications that I responded to for him, connections I had made and update details from fellow interns about their projects. He would listen, look through my notes and then smile at me. “Well that’s really good work!” was the best words I could hear and knowing that I had gone above and beyond made the rest of my day float by because I knew we were one step closer to our goal (at least that’s the explanation I gave myself).
On top of classes and internships I was asked by one of my professors to be one of the Undergraduate representatives on a governance committee for Appalachian. I agreed, thinking it would be a great learning experience and a good way for me to give back to this wonderful school of mine. It is quite intimidating and the five-minute presentation I have to give tomorrow is looming over me like an old, skeptical professor. Sometimes I feel too young to be doing the things I’m doing.
So the summer was rainy, exhausting, fulfilling and the fastest one I have ever experienced. I decided last minute to take a vacation before school starts on the 20th and a vacation it was! I woke up on August 3rd at 4:30 a.m. and drove to Pennsylvania. The whole extended family was there and the only word to describe that time is chaos. I left PA on the 6th and drove to the Outer Banks of NC to surprise my roommate. This four-day stint by the ocean is now among my top 10 favorite trips I’ve ever been on. Saturday the 10th I drove to Raleigh to spend the weekend with my brother and then attended a work conference from the 12th to the 14th. That was my vacation and it was chaos all the way through!
School starts on the 20th and it’s beginning brings with it mixed feelings of nostalgia and excitement. As some of you may know, the future is what my mind is focused on most of the time and my impending graduation is at the top of my thinking list. The repetitive questions of “where will you live” and “what are you going to do” have started making an appearance in my life and when spoken my brain goes into freak-out mode leaving me with the image of floating in the middle of an ocean without a paddle. It seems impossible to me that I should know what I would be doing in a year. When I started my second year at App I never would have guessed that in a years time I would be living in Kenya with no actual intention of returning. Life happens in a matter of moments and so until that moment comes I will stick to my middle of the ocean story.
So in five days my final year will start and I will begin the usual practices of a college student. But right now I’m sitting in my wonderful, cozy apartment in Boone, NC working to open my heart a tiny bit more to the world. Hoping against hope that the work of my Father will be translatable onto this page so that you all may catch a glimpse of Him. For while I have never felt more broken and torn to pieces, I have never felt so much clarity about Jesus. As crazy as it may sound, if I had one wish I would wish to never leave the desert. I would wish to remain dry and broken if it guaranteed that I would see Him and feel Him more clearly each day.
I will sign off now because I can’t think of trying to explain anything further. The heart is a fickle thing and can only stand so much probing in a day. I pray that you would give yourself over to Him today in a way that hurts. Take the piece of pride you have been holding onto, dig till you get the root and then lift it up. I can promise that while the digging and tearing may hurt for the present, the fresh dirt and beautiful grace and joy that He will plant in you will change your life.
Footsteps of Tender Feet 