Walking around the corner, dragging my feet, I glanced up and was bombarded by shouting, jumping and flailing bodies. My parents, roommates and a few close friends had journeyed to the airport to pick me up and as I made my rounds of hugs and took in the beautiful faces of the ones I loved, I had a weird feeling. It was all the same and it was all great and my heart was full, but for some reason, I didn’t fit.
For those of you who don’t know, I made a pit stop on my way home. My flight went through London so I scheduled a week layover and spent a few days in London and Bristol with my sister and then visited a few friends in Switzerland. I love Europe so it wasn’t any trouble to delay my arrival in America. I loved seeing my sister and we tramped around England together, taking in the sights and living life! We got to see our favorite band Needtobreathe play in the bottom of a boat and watched dancers splash the audience at the performance of Singing In The Rain. Our days were packed but they were good. We had the chance to really talk and I was able to run some of the issues I was dealing with, by her as she understands the effects of mission work. We had great talks, we had hard talks and then we just laughed. Switzerland was a blast! It is one of the coldest places I have ever been but the mountains are B.E.A.UTIFUL! I was so blessed by my friends there, in multiple ways, and the experience really helped prepare me for home.
In the 8 days after I left Kenya, I crammed more traveling that I’ve done in a year. By the end of it I was sick of airports, trams, trains and buses. I didn’t want to have to carry my bags anywhere else (I considered dumping them a few times in London but thought better of it), I didn’t want to spend more money, I wanted to see my dog and I wanted Chick-Fil-A. So walking around the corner at the Charlotte airport and being able to sink into my moms arms was the biggest gift of all. But despite the exhaustion, I couldn’t be more thankful for my time in Europe. It gave me a chance to work through leaving Kenya before having to deal with saying hello to my old life. I got a chance to just be me and to not have to answer to any life questions. I just got to enjoy this beautiful world the Lord has given us and to rest in Him for a few days.
I’m home… now what?
I arrived in Charlotte 9 days ago and the first thing we did was head to Cookout. That was a treat! We spent time talking and laughing and getting caught up in stories and by the time my eyes closed it was 3am (9am by my bodies clock). Sunday I woke up to my dads breakfast (a little piece of heaven) and then spent the day talking, resting, playing with Chaps (my puppy) and unpacking. That night my parents left for Texas for two days and I spent the night with my friend Lauren. By the end of the day I felt as though my body had been hit by a Mack truck, put through a blender and rolled down a hill. Monday I got my license renewed and headed up to Boone where I fell in love with our cute apartment and spent the day greeting friends.
It has been a whorl-wind experience over the past two weeks and I have a feeling it’s not going to slow down. I will spend the next week finishing up some work for Kenya, having debrief, greeting friends and supporters and heading up to Canada for Christmas with the relatives. Then New Years will hit. After that I’ll move into my apartment and prepare for school and then boom… the semester begins. Just a quick update on the logistics of life 🙂
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Being back has brought with it many emotions and feelings. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t feel like I fit. Most of the time I’m missing Kenya, the kids I loved there and the people I came to understand. It is very hard for me to look at a picture of Kenya without feeling the hole in my heart and tearing up. It’s wonderful to see the people I love again and to be in Boone but it’s no longer the center of my universe. I feel useless and blind in my future steps. Everyday for the past 6 months I have woken up with the Lord giving me clear instruction and knowing exactly what my purpose in the Lord is. And now I have no direction and no purpose. I woke up early this morning and couldn’t fall back to sleep. My mind was full of all the issues I’m dealing with and I couldn’t find an answer. So I just started talking with Jesus. I tried to explain how I am feeling and how difficult this is for me. He didn’t give me any answer other than peace. Like He did so many times in Kenya, He gently touched my heart and gave me that warm glow again. It’s become such a daily thing that if a day goes by without the Lord providing peace then I’m a mess. I have come to rely on His grace in my life because it’s all that got me through Kenya. So I sat there talking to Him and singing Frank Sinatra to Him (it’s been stuck in my head and I’m sure He doesn’t mind my singing voice). And then I got up.
One thing I regret about Kenya is not taking my study bible with me. Granted its heavier than I am but it would have been such a blessing to have had it with me. I rejoiced when I picked it up and was able to open it, feel it’s cover and to know the power within it. When I got up this morning I opened it up to where I left of reading back in May; John 16. So I started reading but I didn’t get very far. Verse 12 stopped me in my tracks and as soon as I read it I would feel the peace growing even brighter in my heart.
“There is so much more I want to tell you, but you can’t bear it now.”
I read it and read it again. And then I got the same feeling I had before I went to Kenya. The same feeling that took me to Kenya. That He has a plan beyond my wildest imagination and when it is His perfect time I will understand the next step. There is so much He wants to tell me! He is excited about my life and where He will take me! If the Lord is excited, how great must those plans be! I just can’t handle it right now.
So I have to make the same choice I made everyday in Kenya. I have to wake up today and choose to trust in what He has tought me and promised me. I have to look up today and believe that He is still in control. That He called me home for a reason and that He is still with me. I may not feel the same, but that’s okay because I’m not the same! How can one be touched by God and still be the same? So I will continue loving Kenya and its beautiful people. I will continue to cry when I remember the great times and the great loves I had there. I will continue to hope that one day I’ll be called back there and I will continue to trust in the God who took my heart away and gave me His.
Footsteps of Tender Feet 